


Ease My Mind.

by KHlove065



Series: Sing To Me Instead [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Husbands, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 23:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18214844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KHlove065/pseuds/KHlove065
Summary: It wasn't unusual for Blaine to wake in the middle of the night to an empty bed.





	Ease My Mind.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was inspired by Ben Platt's song "Ease my Mind", and totally not something I was planning to write. Hopefully it conveys the mess of emotions that comes with anxiety, which is a super difficult thing to navigate, especially in a relationship. As always, comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. I hope you enjoy! :)

Blaine rolled over groggily, seeking Kurt’s warmth, only to find a cold pillow and the sheets next to him empty. He pawed aimlessly at Kurt’s unoccupied side of the bed before his foggy brain registered that Kurt wasn’t there.

The familiar and comforting weight of his husband had disappeared at some point in the night, leaving Blaine alone in their bed, longing for his warm, soft skin.

His eyes drifted open slowly. It was dark in the bedroom except for the faint glow of a street lamp through the blinds, and a distant light from somewhere else in the apartment barely shining through the crack in their bedroom door.

Blaine rolled over and picked up his phone, taking several minutes to decipher that the jarring light read 3:47 am.

It wasn’t unusual for Blaine to wake in the middle of the night to an empty bed. Kurt’s brain became hyperactive at night, racing at a hundred miles per hour. Sometimes it was creative ideas flowing through his brain, striking him with inspiration that he simply had to get up and tackle right then and there, no matter the hour.

Kurt had the revelation for their first LGBTQ+ Broadway show in the middle of the night, dragging a half asleep Blaine into the kitchen while he rapidly exclaimed his ideas and practically wrote the whole damn show in the next two hours.

For the past couple years, however, it was mostly his growing anxiety that plagued him, making him restless and nauseous with fear. He would wake in the middle of the night with a sinking and urgent feeling in his stomach, his skin buzzing and his brain attacking him with thoughts coming from a million different directions. It ranged the entire spectrum, from anxiety about the future to anxiety about the past, and sometimes anxiety about nothing in particular at all, just an overwhelming feeling of uneasiness that made every part of his body ache and shake.

Sleep was completely unattainable for Kurt during these times, no matter what he did to calm himself down. The confines of the bed became suffocating and he needed to get out; out of his surroundings, out of his head, and out of his thoughts. Not wanting to disturb Blaine’s rest with his own agitation, he would drop a kiss to Blaine’s temple and slip quietly out of bed to spend the night awake on the couch, or on the bathroom floor, or at the kitchen table.

By the time Blaine woke up in the mornings, Kurt was usually already dressed and making breakfast, looking exhausted and unrested but peaceful, as his anxiety wasn’t quite so bad during the day. There were the occasional mornings however, when Blaine would find Kurt asleep, slumped over at the kitchen table or huddled in a corner somewhere, or even once on the balcony.

And of course, there were Blaine’s favorite mornings when Kurt was back in bed, sleeping blissfully beside him when Blaine awoke, and Blaine could marvel at his beautiful features and caress him lovingly.

Blaine didn’t know how to handle Kurt’s anxiety when it first began to heighten. His idea of comforting was too smothering for Kurt. Blaine wanted to cater to his every need but Kurt needed space to breathe.

They fought endlessly at first, Kurt snapping at Blaine, telling him his attempts to help only made it worse, and Blaine accusing Kurt of not explaining, not giving him a chance to understand. Kurt thought it would be better if he just fought it alone, but Blaine knew he couldn’t. Blaine knew Kurt needed his help, he just needed Kurt to tell him how he felt so that he could help the right way.

Blaine kept persisting and Kurt kept resisting until one night, Blaine came home from work to find his Husband on the floor having a panic attack. He didn’t know whether to approach him or to leave him alone, he didn’t even know how to begin to help someone in that situation. His instincts took over, not caring if it was a bad idea or if Kurt would kill him later, and he gently knelt down and collected Kurt in his arms, rocking him back and forth until he calmed down. Kurt accepted his help and clung to him until his breathing returned to normal and he confessed quietly into Blaine’s shirt that he needed help and he wanted them to figure out how to beat this together.

They went to the doctor together, where Kurt was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. They went back to therapy, and Kurt told Blaine everything he was dealing with, how sometimes he needed to be alone and other times, he needed support when being alone became too overwhelming. Blaine listened and informed Kurt that he couldn’t sit back and watch Kurt deal with this alone, and that he wanted to be a source of comfort in times of need instead of a burden. Blaine promised he would always be there for him as long as Kurt wanted him to be, and he would back off when Kurt didn’t. Kurt promised he would let Blaine in, and rely on him more for help.

With time, Blaine became more familiar with the signs of Kurt’s body language, when his advances were welcome and when they weren’t, when to touch Kurt and when to leave him be. He knew when to say certain things, when not to say other things, and that sometimes he didn’t need to say anything at all. Most times, Blaine just held Kurt’s hand and stood or sat nearby until Kurt was ready for him to come closer, and then he cradled him while Kurt explained everything going on in his head.

Sometimes Blaine would talk through it with him, other times he would just listen, letting Kurt answer his own questions and sort things out for himself verbally. It became easier for Kurt to rely on Blaine for help and to confess his fears to him, knowing Blaine would respond with the most helpful and safe way he knew how to, with nothing but love filled intentions behind his actions.

Blaine didn’t seek Kurt out every time he found the bed empty in the middle of the night. Frequently he would peek out of their bedroom and watch him for a moment, assessing his position and movements, and gauge whether he needed Blaine. Most nights, Blaine went back to bed, trusting that Kurt would come to him if need be.

Judging by the amount of light leaking through the door, Blaine guessed Kurt was in the kitchen tonight. He lay quietly and listened. He heard a quiet, barely distinguishable sound that moved him to his feet instantly. Kurt was crying. 

He moved quietly across the apartment and found Kurt standing by the kitchen window, his back to Blaine. He clutched his waist tightly with one hand, digging his nails roughly into his side. The other hand ran absentmindedly through his hair. His shoulders shook slightly and small whimpers escaped from his mouth, tugging at Blaine’s heart.

Blaine stood a few feet away from him and reached out gently, placing his hand lightly on Kurt’s back. Kurt whipped around, surprised by Blaine’s presence, having been too wrapped up in his thoughts to hear Blaine approach. Blaine gazed at his tear streaked cheeks with sympathetic loving eyes, waiting for Kurt’s permission. He met his gaze, watching the walls behind his watery blue eyes come crashing down. Kurt inhaled sharply, visibly slumping forward with relief before melting into Blaine.

Blaine embraced him, prying the hand digging into his side away from him and intertwining their fingers. Kurt clung to him and cried as Blaine ran his hand up and down his back, soothing him and squeezing his hand gently.

“Shh, baby, it’s alright,” he murmured repeatedly into Kurt’s hair. Kurt lay his head gently in the crook of Blaine’s neck, his tears sliding down Blaine’s shirt and his breath warming Blaine’s skin. They stood huddled together for a while, nothing but the quiet tick of the kitchen clock and Kurt’s soft sobs filling the air.

Kurt’s sniffles became more sporadic and his breathing slowed, though his body never stopped shaking. Finally he cracked the silence.

“Blaine,” he whispered weakly.

“Yes, babe?”

“Will you get me a blanket?” Kurt asked, motioning towards their bedroom. Blaine tipped his head down to look at his beautiful face. Kurt’s eyes were tired and worried, his sharp features slightly softened but nonetheless distinguished, still elegant and breathtaking. His skin was a little puffy and flushed, his eyebrows drawn in and a small frown tugging at his pink lips. His hair stuck out in several directions, making him look younger and vulnerable. He was uninhibited and natural, the Kurt that only Blaine really got to see. Kurt without his armor, without his polish, without his snarky wit. It made Blaine’s chest ache with affection.

“Of course,” Blaine replied, placing a gentle kiss to his frowning mouth, tasting the tears on his husband’s lips. Reaching up, Kurt grabbed the back of Blaine’s neck and held him there, deepening the kiss and slipping his tongue inside Blaine’s mouth. Their mouths moved against each other gently, slowly, affectionately. Blaine could feel Kurt’s pain in the way he moved, tenderness and sadness, love and comfort passing between them. They parted their lips slightly to breathe, but kept their foreheads together, lips merely an inch away from each other, eyes closed and breathing each other in.

Kurt nuzzled his face gently against Blaine’s, dragging his lips softly across his cheek. Blaine pressed his lips delicately to the corner of Kurt’s mouth, his nose, his eyelids, everywhere he could reach in response. They sat there, bodies and hearts moving together slowly, the tenderest, lightest, most compassionate movements conveying the most intimate feelings of love that could never be expressed in any words.

At some point, Blaine remembered Kurt asked him for a blanket. Pulling back slightly, he squeezed Kurt’s arms softly and gave him a smile before turning to retrieve a blanket from their bedroom.

Kurt grabbed his wrist before he walked away.

“Your blanket, please, the Dalton one,” he clarified. Blaine nodded and pecked his lips softly. He went into their bedroom and opened the chest at the foot of the bed, pulling out the giant blue blanket. It had a large red Dalton Academy symbol in the middle. The blanket had been a present to Blaine from the Warblers, given to him his sophomore year, just a few weeks before Kurt transferred there. 

Kurt had wrapped himself in it after the first time they slept together, immediately taking a liking to it and claiming it as his own, even though he still called it Blaine’s. Throughout every stage of their relationship, from inexperienced blushing teenagers, to fiancees, to husbands, Kurt always chose that blanket to use. Blaine asked him once why he liked it so much, to which Kurt just shrugged and mumbled something about how it reminded him of how much safer his life became once Blaine’s love came into it.

Blaine returned to the kitchen and draped the blanket around him. Kurt sat on top of the table, his legs spread for Blaine to stand in between, his face pressed into Blaine’s chest. Blaine massaged his scalp, listening to Kurt’s breathing.

“Want to talk about it?” he asked quietly.

“It’s silly,” Kurt sighed, hiccuping a little, his voice muffled by Blaine’s shirt.

“It’s not silly if it’s bothering you,” Blaine replied gently. “Especially if it’s bothering you this much,” he pointed out.

“I just was… I was really anxious, a-about nothing,” Kurt stuttered, his hands squeezing Blaine’s hips roughly. Blaine winced a little at the pain, but he didn’t mind. He’d much rather have Kurt dig his fingernails into his skin than Kurt’s own skin.

“Take your time, baby,” he encouraged. Kurt sighed and took several deep intakes of breath before continuing.

“I was just anxious… and then I got this really sick feeling and I was thinking ‘how can I be a father if I’m this anxious all the time?’ I can’t even take care of myself, how am I supposed to raise another person?” he wondered aloud.

His admission surprised Blaine a little. They hadn’t talked much about kids lately, not since a conversation they had with Rachel a couple weeks ago about surrogacy. Rachel had told them that if they ever wanted children, she would be more than willing to help them. Blaine and Kurt gratefully told her that as soon as they were ready, they would come to her.

“Do you want to be a father, Kurt?” Blaine questioned.

Kurt breathed quietly. “I want to have a child,” he looked up at Blaine. “I want to have a child with you, our child…” his voice faltered.

“But?” Blaine prompted.

“But I just don’t feel ready. I-I feel like I would be letting you down, like I couldn’t be the Husband you deserve, the father our child deserves… I’m just not there yet,” he looked at Blaine nervously.

“That’s perfectly okay that you don’t feel ready, Kurt, I don’t understand wh-”

“You want to start a family Blaine,” Kurt cut him off and Blaine swallowed heavily.

“I-” Blaine started.

“You want to start a family and I’m a mess, I’m not ready, I-” Kurt barreled on. Blaine put his hands on his shoulders and Kurt gazed up at him. “The time is right for you,” he finished. “But it’s not right for me. And it’s because I can’t figure out how to handle all the things happening in my head and I feel like such a failure.”

This was how Kurt’s anxiety worked. He took one move from Blaine, probably when Blaine lingered a little longer in the baby section at the store the other day, and analyzed it over and over until his thoughts spiraled out of control with ‘what if’ and he worked himself into a frenzy over something that wasn’t even entirely accurate. Blaine learned a long time ago that telling Kurt not to worry about it didn’t work, because the fact that it was completely unnecessary to stress over this was something Kurt was probably already aware of, and something he couldn’t control.

“First of all Kurt,” Blaine stroked his jaw lovingly. “The time will never be right for me until it is right for you too. That’s part of what makes it such a big decision, it’s something we have to decide together.”

“And secondly,” he brushed his thumbs over Kurt’s lips. “Just because you’re not ready doesn’t mean you’re a failure.”

“I don’t why my anxiety keeps getting worse,” Kurt choked out, his eyes swimming with tears. “I feel like I’m so far behind. You already have to do so much just to take care of me, I wouldn’t be any help to you with a child,” a single tear slipped down his face.

“Kurt,” Blaine grabbed his hands. “It doesn’t work like that, remember? You’re not some burden, you’re my husband. I’m here to help you.”

“I just want to stop feeling like- Like I can’t consider the future because it takes so much effort to get through the present,” he confessed. Blaine pulled him off the table and onto his feet, pressing their chests together.

“You are my number one priority pretty much for the rest of eternity,” Blaine declared, and Kurt gave a small chuckle. “The day will come when we can have a family, and when that time comes you will be the greatest father to our children and the most supportive husband anyone could ever ask for,” Blaine gently swayed them back and forth.

“But we don’t have to rush into that, Kurt. Right now, this is what we’re tackling, this is what we’re getting through, and I want you to learn how to deal with this and then when the time comes, feel comfortable and ready to take on being a parent.” He pulled back a little to look into Kurt’s eyes. 

“I’m not mad at you for having to deal with this anxiety, Kurt. It breaks my heart, actually. And I’m not mad that you don’t feel ready to start a family. I’m not disappointed. I promise,” he leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss to Kurt’s cheek.

“Thank you,” Kurt breathed, nodding. “God, I feel so stupid, why am I upset over this?”

“Hey, stop.” Blaine placed a finger under his chin and lifted Kurt’s face to look him the eyes. “Thank you for telling me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Kurt leaned to his embrace, still letting Blaine gently sway him. “I love you, Blaine,”

“I love you too, Kurt,” Blaine replied. Holding tightly to each other, they swayed slowly around the kitchen to the silent rhythm of their trust and love.

Blaine cupped Kurt’s cheek gently and brought their lips together. He kissed him sweetly, and he could feel the tension slowly leaving Kurt’s body as he let Blaine dominate the kiss, pushing love and comfort into him and dissolving the pit in his chest.

“Anything else I can help you with, baby?” Blaine asked, bringing Kurt’s hand to his mouth and kissing each of his knuckles.

“I think I'm okay for right now. I feel a little better,” Kurt stared into his eyes lovingly, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly. “Thank you for knowing me, Blaine. I meant what I said, you know, in our vows. You always help me rip away anything that’s blocking the sun,”

“You deserve nothing less than constant sunshine, babe. We’ll get there someday,” he promised.

Grabbing onto the blanket, Blaine pulled Kurt closer and kissed him deeply, all tongue and teeth and infinite promises of love and devotion.


End file.
